W h y ?

The only thing that I think these days is only my happiness of being single and also the uni life passed really smooth, I almost didn’t see the negative thing of being a uni student. No offense, new friends. new mates, new people never makes me regret. In the different state,  I am proudly saying that I’ve moved on from the past that has been haunt me for quite some times.

I should say that, that past has been quite a nightmare for me. That past is the love that I’ve had for 2 years, non stop, but then I realised that he’s not the one I could be proud of, so I’ve moved on and try to be a better man. But then, even there’s no expectation, love came. I can’t deny it. I realised, it’s something beautiful, but then when you have something in the past that you can’t even forget, how could you being a better man? That past never haunts me anymore, but the trauma you have … you will just never forget it. I don’t know but I’m just too scared. Oh God, but why should it come into my life?

I often ask about it to myself and I seek for the answers. I never know how could this trauma got into me.  I need a fast answer but for sure there is no answer that everybody gives to me. I try not to blame myself but then I blame myself again. Then when you come at a point when your friend told you that the person you like isn’t really into you. That was just hurt and you come back to remind all the things that make you scared, make you feel lonely.

I know that there will be something special for me in the end. I know that it’s only the beginning of the true life, but I need an answer for all my questions. I need a reason why do I feel this kind of  feeling. I’m just too curious to all of these.

Hook Up? Date? Yeah, It’s hook up!

I just realised today that I might be maturer than my age. Maybe I’m only 19 years old but I think about my future; about what kind of job I want, what kind of life I want, and for sure what will I do when I marry someone. Looks like I’m a thinker right? But it is why sometimes I can be so melancholic and also I become de plus en plus maturer, more than my friends. I already thought that life would be so wonderful when I can do this, do that, and all of that things. Well, I’m a dreamer we can say. After so long I found out and realised something that I haven’t knew before. It is the difference between hook up and date.

My experience is the reason why I’m thinking about it. I experienced a one sided love and I know everyone would experienced that kind of thing. We can say it’s exceptional, this one. First, I really want to be his date, but after all it is just different. He is DIFFERENT. He still thinks about having party and sex all the time, but it’s not my kind of life. Suddenly, this morning I read about the difference between hook up and date.


He was so sweet to me, but then when I read some of the article, I know that what he wants is hooking up with me, being “friend” or something like that. These months, when he’s away, I have less expectation and respect. When we talk, it’s not just the same and I think less about him also when I missed him, that wasn’t as awful as before.

Well, I think I’m success to not depend to him. What I know is, Hook up is more to have sex and all about beautiful women and beautiful body, but Date is more better than hook up. Date requires 2 people who have a same feeling to each other and also each person who has date never thinks about body, face. What people wants is their intelligent so that they can grow together as a better person.


Love is a precious thing you have in you life. It hurts you. It loves you as well. It makes you smile. It makes you happy.

Sometimes, I just need my self to be alone. I don’t mention to be alone forever, but to think about what happened and what I’ve chosen in my life. I’m happy though about all choices I’ve ever made. Some make my life’s getting harder, some make my life’s getting brighter, and some make my life’s going up and down; and it’s love. Love is something people could have since they’re really young, but when we’re getting maturer, we kinda have a love feeling to an opposite sex person and it’s complicated, if I could mention.

Love is something I could imagine that every people will be happy, laughing, and love is all about smile and share. But I learned something. Sometimes, when we fall in love with the opposite sex person, it won’t be as easy as we think. Love isn’t just about sharing something or even sex, but sometimes Love needs a sacrifice. Nothing I can do, but I did it in these 2 years. I felt like I sacrifice all the chances to find another better person, but in love with this guy makes me feel right. If you wanna know, I sacrificed all the things in my life, not money or something really expensive, BUT I spent my feeling, I spent so many tears for this hard feeling. People say to me that I deserve someone’s better than him, but LOVE, as you know, isn’t that easy to be erased.

Love, love, love, love. Love needs sacrifice. They don’t feel it maybe, but I know love is more than just a good feeling of being in love. Love is more than a feeling when you feel blessed to have someone to love. Love is more than just a feeling when you’re happy, but love, does need sacrifice. Love might hurts, but love gives more than hurt. Love gives a great feeling of being proud, satisfied and happy.

So, which one you choose? Don’t wanna get hurt or love? ;)

Life is BETTER When You Have More Experiences

My life has been pretty good. Well, I won’t ask for more, it’s enough to have such a great life. I know, everybody passes all the up and down in our life but there must be something interesting in your life. I have been taught so many things from this rough world. Every single event in your life is a lesson, there should be something you can learn from.

I have lived abroad for a whole year; far from home, far from my family, my lovely friends, and all the things I used to do. When I should leave it, it was kinda hard; you know when you’re already comfortable in some events in your life, you don’t want to get out from it. I’m pretty sure. But, I saw something different here. I saw an adventurous life there. I know there would be something’s hard, but that’s the main point!! When you have problem, you tend to solve it as soon as possible so you can live better and happier, also enjoy your life; and when you tend to solve it ASAP, you will do everything to make it better and it’s the time when you learn something.

I learnt something already when I was abroad (I was in France). When I had problems, I’d try everything. First I tried to solve it by change myself. Sometimes problems come from yourself, for example you don’t do something as people around you do, so you’re kinda bullied by everybody. From this kind of problem, you learn to see what you’ve done and what’s people don’t like from you, so your with a little bit of courage, petit à petit you change yourself to be a better person. So, I hope we don’t close our mind to change ourself to be a better person, right?

Second, when you don’t find something wrong with you, try to ask the person that you think knows you the most. For example your best friend. Ask them what’s wrong with you and tell them what’s your problem. I thought that everybody who likely close to you will help you with all your problems. No offense, when I was in France, I had problem which you know kinda sucks, I told my friends and they gave me their opinions about how I supposed to solve it; how I suppose to handle it. It kinda helped me much.  Sometimes when friends couldn’t help anymore, they can be your stress reliever, well you can spend like a night or a day of outing with them to just refresh your mind for a while but don’t run from the reality and try the third one.

Third, when you know someone older, ask for they opinion. We know that they have more experiences than us, the youngsters. Tell them what you have and they will help you much! When your problem is hard to solve, I’m pretty sure they will help you as much as they can do for you. The interaction between you and the older, makes you learn something from them when they help you. You can learn how they handle the situations, how they talk to someone whom you have problem with and it’s another life lesson.

Last but not least, tell your parents what you have. I know we don’t want to make our parents sad, but they know you better so they can also help you guys, with your problem. So why don’t we tell our parents about our problem? ;)

Another thing that I learned here is love. Everybody must love another person right? ;)  Not because I’ve lived for a year in a country of love so I learned to love, a big NO! Well, love is something basic. Sometimes we are tired of what we do, kinda basic too, but there’s something that I thought everybody knows it already. People say, if you love what you do, you won’t hesitate to do it for more and more; another say love what you do, because when you do it with love, you will enjoy it. Yes they are both true. When you love something you do, you will have a big desire to do more and more. Love doesn’t only work for our job, but for our social life too.

I tell you, every country has its own characters and that’s the truth. Sometimes, people just tell you the bad side of  a race and the other tells you the bad side of another race; it’s kinda sucks you know! When I was about to leave Indonesia, people said that French don’t speak English, they’re selfish (so sorry about this, but I don’t find any kind of selfishness), bla bla bla… . Forget it! I tell you to forget it. When you arrive in a new condition or circumstance, you’ll find our soon that there’s something interesting with the differences. The differences make people rich. You can share each other’s cultures and customs. So that with the sharing, people can respect what you have and you will soon adapt to their culture.

The things that is important too is try to love your new place; try to find out the place near your lodging that you enjoy the most (ex : a city garden, a cafe, etc). When you find your favourite place and you find something interesting with your new place, that’s the sign that you enjoy it.

At last, when you are already comfortable with the new place or new things, you will settle down and you will find more interesting things to do and interesting places to go. I learned all this things and I’m so happy to be a different person right now. It’s a lot easier to make friends and you’ll be more confident when you’ve already tried to live far from home and parents for a while. You’ll know how hard life is and I’m not lying you will enjoy meeting new people around you and you’re not afraid anymore.

My suggestion for the youngsters, try to live without your parents for a while and find the things you won’t learn if you live with your parents all the time, plus you’ll meet so many incredible person in this world. Make new friends and find more friends for you partners in the future life. I hope this write is something you guys can use ;)

En Attendant

I’m still counting on days. I still don’t know when he is coming back but I know we will be together again. Almost 2 years since the last time we met and my heart is still beating because I never lose hope on you.

Here, I sat on a bench, in a garden near my apartment. I am a student of Microbiology department in a Science School in Paris, France. I don’t have to mention the name of the school, right? Because I think you might stalking at me. I have a weird habit here. After I finish class, I will go to this garden near my apartment, even when the weather isn’t support me to sit on the bench (except raining though).

I used to have a happier life here. Everything I want is here, so there is no time to be sad. The whole time, I spent my life with my friends or sometimes I spent my life inside the lab to finish homework. Well, maybe it is a little bit rough to live as a Scientist and a traveller at the same time. Your mind want some refreshments, but your science part never want to leave the job behind. When I remind again all the things I’ve ever done like this, I thought that it wasn’t really bad until someone was coming to my life.

I remember, it was right on the same day to today, 4 years ago, on the same place. As usual I took my book to this garden after I came back home for a while to put my bag into my apartment and then sit on this bench. After I wrote on my book for a while, I realised that someone was staring at me really deep. Well, you guys know how does it feel. I searched for the person  who stared at me and I saw he was the person who sat on the bench across my bench. He smiled at me and I can barely smile at him. He was so damn mesmerising. I know that he was not fit my type of guy, but he was so beautiful so that I couldn’t concentrate at writing. His smile was too beautiful to be ignored.

That time, when a I have a little bit courage, I started to wake up and walked to his bench. I don’t know why I had so much power to wake up from my sit and walk to him. I think that his smile was the invitation to meet him right away. I sat next to him and we started our conversation. And I didn’t write my book that time and we had so much similarity; music, movies, and we are both science student, just he studies in another university. Since that day we became closer and closer, until I realised I feel the love. I feel warm with you even though it was quite cold in Paris. I felt, you stare was shuttering m me so that I couldn’t ever see you at your eyes.

One day, about 3 months from the first meet, we talked as usual and we laughed together. That day was quite warm even it was winter in Paris. There are so many people and children there to see the sun. Our favourite bench is my bench. With an oak tree above and sometimes the leaves falling down and we play with them just to relax. That day, I don’t know why, after we finished our conversation, we didn’t start another conversation as usual, but we stared at each other. He smiled at me, but I couldn’t smile at him, I was once more mesmerised by his smile and suddenly he kissed me under this old oak tree. I felt flowery and I never felt a warm kiss as his kiss. We ran into our deepest thought and luckily we could finish that kiss. I was scared that kiss would run into lust. Well, I could feel already the lust we had. And then he said to me if I want to be her girl and I just said yes, truly  YES so we ran back into my apartment (He knows where’s my apartment already) and I never thought that it would really happened.

Our relationship had so much fun and we hardly have a problem! Everybody just said to us that we are a cute couple, we never had a fight or else. We were really honest to each other and yeah we live happily, until 2 years ago at this bench, he said to me that he should go abroad for his study in the Canada. I couldn’t stand my tears and my heart was torn to hear that. I don’t know, I cried under the the wintery air and the falling leaves, I cried almost 30 minutes on his lap and he was shushing and tried to make me stop crying. I knew that I have to let him go for his study. So the next week, I woke up for the last time beside him. I made his favourite pancakes with maple sirup for the last time. We made it, we made it. I made it though, I could let him go. I should! We ran under the shower together for the last time also and it would feel so fast until we quickly went to Charles de Gaulle Airport. A fast goodbye, with a kiss and hug without tears. A message send to me said, “Take care chérie, we will be together until the end of the world. Merci pour les merveilleuse temps avec toi, Je t’aime beaucoup. Don’t worry, we will be together forever.” He texted me right before the plane took off and it was the last time I saw him.

Yesterday, I received an e-mail said that he had a car accident. I was so shocked and the mail said that he was in hospital, had a head surgery, because there was a bleeding. I don’t know, I worried all the time and I can’t sleep last night. I was the only person He had. Yes, he hasn’t any siblings and his parents passed away already. This morning, again I received an e-mail and written that He couldn’t survive the bleeding and he passed away as the mail written. I fell down into the floor and was so shocked. I could barely breath and I decided to take again this book, write this as the closing of this book under this old Oak tree. I feel like you are beside me right now. I know that you are watching me from above with your mesmerising smile. I know that someday we will meet again. Je t’aime Lucas.

Ta chérie,


Petite Histoire de Nous Deux

À la fin, on s’embrasse dans le jardin du monde. On fait l’amour comme on ne se voit jamais. Dans notre cœur, il n’ya qu’envie de chaque un et chaque une. On a trop peur de perdre l’un et l’autre. On se tire la jupe et le pantalon à cause de notre désir, tout est parti et on est toute rouge à cause de notre timidité de se toucher, mais enfin qu’on se rencontre et se touche l’un et l’autre. La distance nous en fait trop desesperé de notre rélation, mais on est reussit, on est juste reussit.

Indonésie, 2012


Nous, on s’est commencé notre connaissance par le même programme. On n’était pas si bon comme ça, mais c’était la choses qui nous fait ensemble, voilà quoi. La dernière chose que tu m’as ce jour là, c’est beaucoup me fait trop vexée et après, on sépare notre chemin le dernière jour. Je pensais que ça n’aura pas le dernière fois qu’on se voit. Pas d’amour que je sens.

On a rien foutu jusqu’à le jour que sens quelque chose bizarre et je pensais que je suis tombée amoureuse de toi. J’ai pensé une fois que ce n’est pas possible car je n’ai eu pas du tout le sens, mais tout est à l’envers. Tout le monde ne me crois pas, mais qu’est-ce que vous pensez de lui? Il n’y a pas d’une personne parfait. Je suis tombe encore plus profond que je n’ai jamais pensée.

Avant le départ, il n’y avais pas des choses que je pourrais faire. Tout était bien préparé, mais j’ai décidé de te parler sur skype. Par contre ça ne m’as pas fait du bien, je commençais à m’inquiète mais ça s’est fait, on ne pourras pas l’effacer. Un par un, je dit “au revoir” et aussi au lui. Tout le monde m’ont dit bon courage et tôt le matin je me suis réveillée la dernière fois sur mon lit préférée et puis je me suis levée par mon deuxième reveil et  je me suis douchée. Sous la douche, je me suis pensée trop des choses mais j’était trop excitée de partir en Europe pour la première fois dans ma vie.

Au revoir! J’ai essayé de ne pas pleurer devant ma petite sœur et voilà, je suis partie de ma maison pour l’aéroport.

À l’aeroport, nous, on n’as pas pus pleurer, rien de plus mal que ne voit pas sa famille pour un an, mais c’est déjà plus compliqué quand tu rentres à ma vie. J’était toute froid, la main, les pieds. La première chose que je pensais en attendant de l’avion, “J’espère qu’il ne me manque pas trop”.

France, 2012


“Bon!” je disait et puis tout est parti et je suis bien arrivé à l’aéroport de Nice, Provence Alpes Cote d’Azur, France. Si je ne suis pas trompé, c’était à peu près 11 heure 30 minutes le 28 Août 2012. J’ai vu ma famille d’accueil et je les ai fait des bisous et on rentre à la nouvelle. J’était bien fatiguée par le décalage horaire et puis j’étais malade, mais fin, bon, ça va.

Deux mois est passé. C’était le mois d’Octobre et ça arrivera le mois de Novembre. La saison est déjà changé à la saison d’automne. Tout est mouillé, les feuilles sont tombés de ses arbres. Il pleuvait un peu tous les jours, même s’il n’étaient pas si fort comme en Indonésie, mais c’était déjà froid. En commençant de Novembre, ça commençais aussi les Vacances de la Toussaint, les premiers vacances qu’on a attendu depuis le debut d’année de lycée. Voilà, c’est nous, hein? Les lycéens. Dans ces vacances, je suis allée chez ma copine de Lycée, s’appelle Kym. J’y irais et on a marché jusqu’à le centre ville et on retournais chez elle après un peu des shopping.

Ça na a pas commencée mal, on a bien rigolé. Le soir, on avais des temps à voir le nouveau James Bond : Skyfall. Ça a l’air bien, non? Mais oui, mais oui. On a diné avant on le voir et on s’est reposée un peu en attendant, mais je ne croyais pas qu’il m’appelle, non pas appeler, mais il m’as parlé sur le chat de Facebook. Oui ça fait 2 mois quand même. La chaleur sur moi est montée de plus en plus. Cette chaleur n’as pas pu refroidir. Il m’a raconté sa vie impeccable. Oui, impeccable j’ai dit. Il avais une affaire avec une dans le même cadre que nous. Comme je n’imagine jamais.

Sans culpabilité, il a fait une histoire bien fait par lui même. Il a fait l’amour avec une fille de 17 ans. Quand il me l’a raconté, je suis comme tout mouillée, je suis tout détruit. Comme je n’imaginais jamais, il a pu le faire sans tomber amoureuse d’elle. À ce moment là, je me suis dit,”Je suis bien tombé amoureuse d’une mauvaise personne.”. Je n’ai pas pu me bouger, j’étais gelais. Il n’y a pas même un mot qui sort de ma bouche. J’était trop choqué; j’étais vraiment en colère mais en même temps, j’était trop triste.

Après une situation très difficile, je me suis arrêté à me pleurer pour lui, je me suis dit qu’il faut que je me tourne la page. C’est décidé, mais je suis tombée trop profond et même moi, je ne pourrais pas à me chercher la sortie. Je suis bien tombée amoureuse de lui.

Des mois sont passé, je ne pensais pas trop de lui car j’ai voulu que je me profite bien l’Europe avant je rentre en Indonésie. J’avais un tour d’Europe avec des gens incroyables qui viennent au tour de monde. J’ai un peu oublié cette problème. L’Europe me plaît bien, des gens, des paysages, des langues, des amours, même j’aime aussi comment ils se pensent d’une vie. Pas mal de connaissance d’Europe que j’ai pris déjà et j’était prêt de rentrer en Indonésie. Au lycée, on avais une fête d’Adieu. Ça me touche un peu car les profs sont tous là pour me disent Au Revoir.

Lycée français est fini pour moi et je rentre à la maison. J’écoutais presque tous mes musique sur mon ordinateur, je me suis reposée et je me suis réfléchit ce que j’ai fait en France depuis que je suis arrivée. Ce jour là, il pleut un peu fort même s’il étais printemps. Je me suis assit sur mon lit avec mon couverture bien chaud.

Après de préparation de mes valises, c’est arrivé mon temps de rentrer en Indonésie. Il n’y avais que ma famille d’accueil qui me prendre à l’aéroport. Sans pleurer, je rentrais à l’entrée de salle d’attente après je posais mes valises. Ne pense plus de la France, je me suis encore pensée à lui. J’ai commencé à pleurer. Comme il me manque trop. Mon amour, mon chéri, tu vas où pendant que je ne suis pas là? Tu ne me cherches pas? Je regrette quand j’était vraiment en colère de toi.

“Dans 5 minutes, vous vous embarquez dans l’avion!”

Voilà, c’est le temps de rentré mes amis. Avec les yeux qui sont gonflés, je marche jusqu’à l’avion et, “Au revoir la France, l’Europe. Je reviens un jour à te voir!”

Indonésie, 2013


Je suis descendu de l’avion et j’ai pris mes valises. Je suis sorti et je ne vois personne qui va me prendre de l’aéroport. Je suis arrivé à l’aéroport de Jakarta. Après, 30 minutes d’attendre, je vois mon père et enfin que je lui voit! Je lui fait un gros câlin et il a pris mes valises, on rentre chez nous.

Le jour d’après, tôt le matin, quand je ne me suis pas encore levé (il est 3 heure du matin), j’ai entendu mon portable qui sonne trop fort. Je le voit et il y a un manque d’appel. J’ouvre la code sécurité et c’est lui. J’ai une initiative de l’appel. Il a dit rapidement qu’il me cherche chez moi et il me prendras chez lui. Dans mon cœur, il y a une bonheur que je n’avais pas depuis longtemps, même que j’ai peur un peu.

Mes parent ne sont pas encore se levé donc j’espère que je ne fait pas des bruits pour sortir. Bien, je suis réussit de sortir comme un terroriste. Je lui voi avec son petite voiture de Honda. Rapidement, je sort et je rentre de sa voiture. Sans dit un mot, il me fait une baisse d’amour trop chaud, trop lente. Déjà, je me réjouit avec le désir. Il m’a dit rien et il commence à conduire sa voiture. Je … ne sait vraiment pas de quoi il veut.

On est bien arrivé chez lui. Chez lui? Oui, chez lui. Il n’y a personne à la maison. Je cherche une verre de l’eau et il a pris un verre pour moi. Sur le canapé, j’essaye d’ouvrir mes yeux mais c’est trop tôt!! Après une verre, ça va, je vais au toilette, mais il n’y a pas toujours des mots qui sortent de sa bouche et je commence à m’inquièter. Quand j’ai fini, il m’attend déjà devant le toilette et il me tire jusqu’à le salon et il a commencé à me parler doucement. Il m’as dit des pardons pleines fois et il m’as raconté la raison pourquoi il l’a faire et c’es tout. Je ne me dit rien. J’ai tout froid, mais ce que je peux dire c’est qu’il me manque trop et je lui vois très profond à ses yeux. Il me prend la main et je me lève. Je marche jusqu’à sa chambre et je lui donne un petit regard. Il court et il me prends dans ses bras et fermer la porte de sa chambre.

En ferment de la porte, on donne un regard à l’un et l’autre. On se plonge dans nos têtes et donne un regard d’amour. Un regard qui nous manque pendant un an. Notre cœur se bat comme on a peur de caser l’un à l’autre, ça a du commencé. Il m’embrasse pleines fois mes lèvres, jusqu’à ils sont rougit et fissure. Je me baise un peu ma tête mais il la reprend et maintenant il me baisse partout. Il me dirige sur un monde de dingue; il me dirige sur un monde où on va tous libérer. Il commence à ouvrir mes défenses et aussi j’ouvre ses défenses. On est bien toute rougit. Il me tire un peu vers lui et il me pose sur son lit et tout est commencé.

À la fin, on s’embrasse dans le jardin du monde. On fait l’amour comme on ne se voit jamais. Dans notre cœur, il n’ya qu’envie de chaque un et chaque une. On a trop peur de perdre l’un et l’autre. On se tire la jupe et le pantalon à cause de notre désir, tout est parti et on est toute rouge à cause de notre timidité de se toucher, mais enfin qu’on se rencontre et se touche l’un et l’autre. La distance nous en fait trop desesperé de notre rélation, mais on est reussit, on est juste reussit.